Tag Archives: electronics

Mission Impossible: Textbook Edition

30 Aug

It was an innocent mistake, I feel. I mean, how could I have known that technology was going to be a douchenozzle? Generally, technology and I get along pretty well. I mean, sort of like divorced parents (in this increasingly weird analogy, the internet is the kid we share custody over). So, we’re cordial most times. Other times, I realize that technology gets some sick, demented thrill from running me through an impossible gauntlet of challenges.

For those who saw the original movie, Tom Cruise has to put on some ridiculous harness and do a whole bunch of acrobatic moves in order to defeat the evil robot overlord. Fuck, actually, I never really saw the whole movie. Wasn’t that what it was about?

No?

Well, maybe it should’ve been. But maybe it’s not too late. Tom’s not that old, we could squeeze out a few more action films. Cast him in that role and have him beat HAL’s exhaust port or something.

Anyways…

If you couldn’t tell, this is one of those free write deals. You know how like every other day I actually put serious foresight into what I write instead of a basic outline (like today)? Well, there’s a reason for that. And yes, it does have to do with your super secret, awesome surprise coming next month!

Anyways…Part II. The Return of the Tangent.

Sorry. Next time will be “Focus Strikes Back” and we all know how bad that could be.

Going back to the Tom Cruise reference, I felt like I was on a harness, nimbly navigating the laser beams of the robot guards and delicate, omnipresent pressure sensors. And by nimbly navigating, I mean bouncing into the goddamn wall like I had decided to drink a secret concoction from Wonka’s hidden room. Oh, and my feet had turned into Thor’s hammers.  Fuck my life.

I decided to actually do something more fiscally sensible when it came to my textbook. I decided to invest in getting a nook study textbook.

Oh what a foolish, foolish move.

First step, try to buy the book. Hah! Nope, not in the store.

Second step, hack the mainframe and find the damn book. Failed in hacking the mainframe, but managed to find the book regardless.

Alright, third step, download the book and pray that it will download in time for Latin class on monday an- crap. Not enough time. Abort, Abort! Crap, I’d try again later.

Le Later.

I finally managed to actually download it. I was jumping for joy. I was celebrating, the book would be mine, my homework will finally be completed! And that’s when the metaphorical laser was tripped.

“Please enter your credit card information”

“Again?”

*Type type, clack clack TYPING ONOMATOPOEIA*

“Invalid.”

“Wait? Are you telling me you’re sick (invahlid) or that my card isn’t accepted (invaalid)?”

“Invalid”

“Buh-”

“I HAVE SPOKEN!”

Crap.

So then I called up Barne’s and Noble. Time on the clock is 8:48

“Thank you for calling but we won’t be open until 8 AM.”

Looks at clock. Looks back at phone. “I’m sorry what?”

“Automated message repeats.”We don’t open until 8 AM.”

You have got to be kidding.

This must have been my punishment for that forgotten alimony check.

Called at 10Am. Finally got an answer. Now all I had to do was traverse another gauntlet on my tablet to get the stuff filled in that needed to be filled in while talking to a woman who’s grip of english was only lower than of her pre-written script. Which I managed to do. My textbook is now on my computer and I have defeated the robot overlord/ ex-wife/ whatever weird analogies I’ve used throughout.

You know what, I wished Tom Cruise would have been here though. He probably could have done it quicker.

Nimbler. Right. Sorry Tom.

I am the Master of Electricity!

16 Aug

I write this confidently on my Macbook pro as my iPod plays my Pandora station bursting with auto-tuned and synthesized music. I am the Master of Electricity. I have…

The POWER!

Alright. Perhaps I should explain my power-trip of the power-strip.

See, today seemed to be going entirely my way when it came to electronics and electricity. I was packing my stuff away for college when I came across a hardly-used PSP my little brother owned. It was in great condition, buttons aren’t too jammed, battery works fine, but I’ve never seen him play it. I asked him why.

“I don’t know. I can’t get the internet to work. If you can than it’s yours.”

Cue a two-minute montage and wham! I am now the proud owner of a new PSP!

Sure enough that would be enough to classify it as a pretty awesome day. But no. No today, technology must have decided that it was time to temporarily halt being an inconsiderate douchebag and actually let me enjoy myself.

For weeks, this very computer was unable to accept disks and DVD’s. Normally, I really wouldn’t care; I could just look online for movies and entertainment. Except an issue arose when my criminology textbook was, unsurprisingly, entirely on a CD. So I was forced with having to put down about a hundred dollars or more to get that fixed. Until…

Until I managed to find a screwdriver, some tweezers, and a website full of helpful command prompts. Within 15 minutes, I had fixed the issue. Turns out, there was a tiny CD that was never full inserted. It was kind of just in a disk-drive limbo. So like technology Jesus, I rescued it from that netherworld and brought it back into the light of day. I was the salvation of my labored bank-account.

To top the day off, the sheer power of nature decided to just prove that electricity really was on my side. I was stepping out for my second run of the day and the skies were a little dark and gloomy. Oh well, no big deal, right? I’ve certainly run in worse. So I get started and there’s a little rumble. I mull it over and think about how much it would suck to come home with a messed up nervous system and half a head of smoldering hair. So I just kind of jogged it in. Ten seconds after I reached the safety of my garage, it started. The rain came down with the pummeling force of a hurricane and thunder was ringing off so frequently, Thor had to be on crack-cocaine. Lightning strikes were hurled down within 50 meters of where I decided to turn around. In case anyone cares to know, yes, 50 meters does qualify as “piss yourself proximity” in regards to lightning.

Hell, even the battery life for the Macbook has decided to cooperate with me. Normally it lasts all of about two hours by itself. It’s still holding strong after three. I’m flabbergasted. I’m amazed. I’ve run out of adjectives, I’m so speechless!

I half-expect tomorrow to be one of those days where my Spartan commits suicide during a forge creation session in Halo: Reach for the verifiable reason of “Fuck you Peter, that’s why.” So maybe t would be a great time to create an artificial intelligence program tonight, seeing my surely temporal success. Worse comes to worse: the robot apocalypse happens. And I’m positive I would be able to negotiate world peace with my “10 people exist in regards to understanding binary” joke.

(Ready for a bad joke to end the post?)

I mean, how could I possibly have a negative attitude with this electricity  involved? I’m just so positively energized about today!