The Men in Black Don’t Play Around

24 Aug

This is equally applicable to the semi-fictitious characters played by Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones. I say semi-fictitous because there have actually been weird sights consisting of men in black suits in the general vicinity of UFO encounters since the 50’s (at least). In fact, that’s where the story tellers got the idea; the urban legend insisting that everything in life is an alien cover-up.

Anyways, I was actually referring to the Men in Black Suits known as the Secret Service. These guys are going all out here! I would say it’s ridiculous, but that really doesn’t quite cover the scope of everything. It’s honestly just batshit insane.

As you guys may or may not know (or simply may or may not give a damn about) the Republican National Convention is kicking off here in Tampa. Actually, it’s about a half mile away from the UT campus. Now I know, as a government and world affairs major I should be swooning. Hell the words “GOP Convention Within My General Vicinity” should give me, like, at least a fifth of an orgasm. No. If anything, it’s giving me the opposite. I have an anti-boner ladies and gentleman. If my girlfriend decided to drop by and strip naked for me, I’d have a hard time right now. The reason is pretty simple: It’s freaking crazy being this close!

First, we have the traffic. Now I know that the perennial traffic champion of the world is still China with that monstrous traffic jam a while back (remember? The one that lasted around three days?), but I think we can vie  for a legitimate second. There’s a nearby island (don’t remember the name) that’s a little too close to the RNC. So the Secret Service is doing traffic stops and random vehicle inspections. Makes sense. The issue is, what was once a five-minute drive has turned into a 2-3 hour ordeal.

And people can’t decide to just up and swim across the damn river because theirs a friggen gunboat loaded with a .50 caliber machine gun ready to spit death and fire at anything that so much as looks at it funny!  

Not that anyone would really want to go in the river it’s cold, bleak, black, and really ominous. Except when the manatees come. They’re just like giant teddy bears, bringing magic to the desperate waters. Except instead of fluff, they’re made of blubber. Who doesn’t like to hug ginormous, copious amounts of animal fat for sheer entertainment? They’re especially fun to wrestle. In fact, I have a manatee grudge match coming up in the next week.

Long story.

There are rumors of anti-aircraft contingencies being readied. By that I don’t mean we’re going to put a bat signal-like device that either tells pilots to turn around or gives them the middle finger. Nope. We’re talking about freaking artillery. Supposedly, tanks are coming in to join the crowd. Would feel like martial law except there’s nothing important here in Tampa.

Except for the fact that it pretty much IS martial law. The secret service has direct control of the police and emergency services. I mean, everything is still running smoothly. And I think they learned their lesson about prostitutes so I seriously doubt they’re going to use the police force for anything too perverse.

You can’t get within a half mile of the conference hall without credentials. No joke.

You get within a half mile of the conference hall without credentials, you will be deported to the land of Mordor. Joke. Probably/maybe. That depends if they really have perfected going into the imagination like in South Park. And if they have, they should probably avoid the section called “Dino World.” I had a very fertile paleontological imagination when I was six. Just for their safety. Or more so their sanity. I thought up some weird shit when I was six.

After sitting down and carefully considering the circumstance I have come to this very somber conclusion.

Don’t mess with the secret service. Seriously. They don’t play around.

I would make a prostitution joke about that last line, but there’s a helicopter buzzing around overhead. And I’m a smart enough cookie to know that I may be able to wrestle a sea-cow, but I think the helicopter has the advantage.

 

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One Response to “The Men in Black Don’t Play Around”

  1. eiken vloeren eindhoven August 29, 2012 at 12:17 pm #

    Heya i am for the first time here. I came across this board and I find It truly helpful & it helped me out a lot. I am hoping to present something back and help others such as you helped me.

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