Caustic Countdown: 4/30/2012

1 May

Greetings and salutations! Welcome back from the weekend!

I have exciting news! This week begins the regular schedule of Caustic Cookies. So today (and friday too for you Anxious Annie’s) is a compilation of all of the, well- “interesting” news that happened over the last few days. My mother always told me if I had nothing nice to say don’t say anything at all. However, she also told me that honesty is the best policy. So when conflict arises, caustic sarcasm comes to save the day. Save your applause please. Feel free to express your gratitude in the form of donations, gratuities, or by spreading the word.

Coming at you at number four is…

4:Vengeful Dentistry. 

You thought your dentist was bad.

In Poland, a woman was presented with a unique opportunity. As a dentist, she usually has to see a fair share of disdainful things under her terrifying equipment. It comes with the territory. But this time, she got to utilize her sharp, shiny tools on an ironically surprising subject: her ex-boyfriend.

Now, there’s a million different things she could have done. She could have given him fishing line for floss. She could have given him bubble-gum flavored fluoride instead of grape and giggled maniacaly as he squirmed under her. She could have even make him high off of nitrous and get him to slip embarrassing secrets.

Or, she can take all of his goddamn teeth out. You know, I guess that works too.

Now I know everyone has wished they had the upper hand on an ex. It probably is hidden within the genome somewhere. But it takes a special kind of person to decide to want the upper hand and lower and upper dentiles.

The woman claimed that she was going to act professionally but then spuriously decided that she was just going to go tooth fairy on the poor guy.

She is facing a malpractice investigation. And since his new girlfriend has already dumped him, it seems like he is sentenced to an indeterminate period of no romantic possibilities. At all.

3: Turtle and Importation Snare

If the Government ever grew tired of the war on drugs, they no longer need to fear.

A man was convicted recently with smuggling several rare species of reptiles to and from Japan. It is reported that he used snack food containers to hide them, obviously eliminating the need to feed the often endangered animals and instead possibly allowing diseases like salmonella to develop.

The curious reptilian nature of the case raises the question if the turtles were overlooked by customs initially due to the felon’s stealth, or if they believed they were certain mutated martial artists.

The man pled guilty to numerous counts of smuggling, insisting that he has learned his lesson and will not relapse into such devious activity.

Whether or not he intended to later important rare species of rabbit to hold nostalgic races has, as of typing, yet to be addressed.

2: Granny Danger

It’s always nice to see Florida in the news. My home state never seems to get enough attention…

Unless you count an Anthony, a Schiavo, a Zimmerman, a Duckett… All in the last decade or so.

Needless to say that there are a lot of interesting people in this state. And what happens when they breed? They have interesting children. And when they in turn breed, the first generation of zany antics gets to vicariously perform dare-devil stunts on their grandchildren.

A  granddaughter in Florida was towed behind her intoxicated grandparents “all afternoon” as police arrived onto the scene. While they do admit they were drinking, they presumably didn’t see the danger in towing a seven-year old in a plastic toy car being towed behind a huge, totally real one.

The girl was wearing no helmet was only donned in a bathing suit. Perhaps they imagined that they were part of a parade. What sort of parade, I’ll leave to your twisted imagination. After all, this was in Sarasota.

And finally, number one for the recent news is…

1: Titanic: Part Two?

No, there isn’t going to be a sequel to the almost ridiculously possible movie. (Although, so far, my girlfriend hasn’t insisted we watch it…yet.  Seeing this though will probably remind her. I’m game by the way, babe; as long as we get to discuss whether or not Rose was actually a jerk afterwards.)

But as my Brother on his Facebook mentioned: “Sometimes people just never learn.”

An arguably eccentric (read: Australian) billionaire has decided to pursue recreating the legendary vessel.

He has insisted that it will be equipped with all of the most up to date equipment to prevent sinking. Gee, where have we heard that one before?

Of course, in true grandiose style, the man has purportedly decided to have the ship follow the original- eventually lethal!- path the original ship took.

Needless to say, mother nature has been warming up for this one. Literally. Global warming has caused all of those icebergs to chip off lately, as if it anticipated being challenged for oceanic supremacy. Perhaps this announcement just fifteen days after the 100th anniversary of its sinking will bode better luck and less ultimate irony.

But my vote’s on the irony. God seems to have a funny sense of humor. Notably since I happen to share the anniversary of my birth with that of the Titanic’s doom. Can’t argue much with that post hoc logic.


2 Responses to “Caustic Countdown: 4/30/2012”

  1. Herbert Dietert May 2, 2012 at 1:27 am #

    Good day: many thanks for taking the time of creating up this information and facts. I generally try to even further my knowledge of elements. Even if I consent or disagree, I love details. I try to remember the old days once the only source of data was the library or the newspaper. They each appear so old fashion. Please Pardon my rough grammar : )

    • peterlicari13 May 16, 2012 at 3:40 am #

      I’m sincerely glad you enjoyed the post 🙂 Thank you for taking the time to comment on it. Sorry it took so long to approve, I’m new to WordPress.
      I remember my father used to give me the paper to read to him on long drives to and from job sites. We would go through the most interesting stories and make commentary on them. Those old fashioned sources were the impetus of these Countdowns. I don’t know where I’d be today if it wasn’t for those newspapers and those car rides with my father. I’m happy that there are still people out there who can appreciate the simple elegance of a newspaper and library. Thanks for reading!

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